Afraid

I am afraid.

Afraid of messing up. Afraid of not accommodating with the likings of others. I hope and pray on a daily basis because I am too afraid of actually conquering my fears. I am a weak person. I can not stand up without the help of others. I do not have much. I do not have a legacy. I am just a corpse that is just dangling with tears and sweat, dripping. This is not what I want or who I want to become. I want to evolve into someone beautifuler with more grace.

Is there ever something as love for me?

At 1:15 am on a Thursday early morning I have decided to create a blog. It is going to be my new outlet of releasing emotions and thoughts. Whether it is about my day or how I am feeling, I will write it. This here is now my new space of freedom.

I believe there is someone out there who is made for you. They are your idea of perfection. What if one day you did find that person? Sweet, humorous, handsome, talented… perfect. The downfall of this is that he is hiding the truth from you.

Everything he said, I believed. I trusted him but something in me had its suspicions. He never truly loved me. It was just an act. A sick illusion. He had me wrapped around his finger telling me that I was his everything and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I was wrong. I fell… hard. I scraped my knees and sacrificed so much for him. All in all, I was just the rebound of all of his relationships.

I thought was he was my knight in shining armor. Loving my crazy self for me because he loves me. Lies! Everyone hates me and I should have believed them. I kept telling myself that everyone is just making fun of me because I’m an easy target. And in fact, I am one. My ‘friends’ tell me I’m stupid and other words I can not say that truly stabs me in the heart. I am not pretty, probably way less than the average girl. I am fat, stupid, and I deal with a lot of mental problems. All because of love. I diet so hard sometimes that my world spins. I run as hard as I could so I can look good in a dress. I read to increase my intelligence level. But at the end of the day, I still saw myself as fat and ugly.

He was never into you. I was his rebound and I ended up falling in love with him. I thought of him as my everything and my only. The one person I can go to without judging me for who I am. My words go in and out of his head. He does not know much about me. He does not know whether I’m allergic to dogs, my stories, or my favorite color. He does not like feeling obligated to give me gifts. I am just the rebound who I actually convinced myself that I was his.

Was I his? Yes… but not in that sense. He is just using me because of my gender and how vulnerable I am. He knows how understanding I am about the things he does. Whenever we talk, it’s never about our daily lives and hopes/dreams, and even if it was, the conversation would lead to a whole new direction. It hurts sometimes thinking about the guy you love, not actually loving you.

He does not act the way he does around his friends. He’s still in love with his ex who apparently moved to LA. He says things to me because she’s gone. Everything he said to me was not directed towards me. It was for her. She’s so perfect. He’s so perfect. They were made for each other. I guess I was put on this planet to have temporary love. To make others happy and be used for other’s benefits. I knew my whole life that no one really loves me and no one ever will. I still followed because I had hope. I convinced myself that there will be a time where hopefully everything would change. He would love me like how I loved him.

I try to make him happy to the best of my ability but I know I can not get him to where he wants to be. It would take a miracle for him to love me back. I know I am not the prettiest girl or the smartest but I try. I am dedicated and I will try to fulfill someone’s dreams. At the end of the day, No one will ever love me the way I love them because I am not their ‘ideal’ girl. Just a replacement